Even a few years into eating disorder recovery, I hated my body. I needed all the body image help I could get. One powerful step forward was writing an apology letter to my body for all my mistreatment of it.
It took me a little while to work up to this level in recovery, because at first I wasn’t sorry. I wanted my body different and I thought it should conform. I saw my body as a tool, a machine that I had the power to control. And, just like diet culture had taught me, I thought all bodies could look “perfect.” Believing this, I felt angry that my body didn’t look “perfect” despite all my starving and exercise. To top it all off, I was mad that I developed an eating disorder. If only my body were naturally “perfect” then I wouldn’t have to do these things to it. Again, all my body’s fault.
Then a few years into recovery I began to feel some tenderness and appreciation for my body. It had run marathons without sustaining any major injuries. It had survived an eating disorder. I had no major health problems and my weight was stable. Wow–with everything I had done to it, that was nothing short of miraculous.
I didn’t keep the actual letter I wrote, but here is the gist. I normally have clients write a similar letter when they’re ready. It’s so therapeutic!
Dear Body:
I am so sorry that I put you through so much. I put you on every diet known to man. I restricted your fuel– the very basis of what you run on. You gave me signals–like my hair falling out, chronic shin splints, and not having a period for years–to let me know that you were not OK. I didn’t listen.
I drove you past the point of exhaustion. Running mile after mile with no regard to how you actually felt. I laid awake nights due to my growling stomach. I restricted calories so much after having my first child that I could barely walk from the leg cramps that plagued my every waking moment. All because I couldn’t stand the thought of having a few extra pounds on me, even days after having a baby!
I feel so sad as I write this. You have been there for me all these years. Giving me clues about what you needed, and I never listened. You’re not my enemy like I thought you were. It turns out that you were enough all along! Not perfect looking, like the models, but perfect enough for me.
Now I appreciate you for all you’ve done for me and continue to do. You give me energy and vitality. I can do things I love and play with my kids. Now, we’re a great team. You tell me when you’re tired or sick, when you need food or rest, and I take care of you until you tell me you’re feeling better. I don’t push you so hard anymore, and in turn, you give me energy, vibrancy, and health.
One thing I definitely will never do to you ever again is berate you! I spent so much time beating you up. Standing in the mirror trashing you. Now that we’ve made friends, I’ll never treat you like that again. I know you’re exactly the way you were intended to be. I’m committed to treating you nicely and saying nice things to you.
Thank you so much for hanging in there and not giving up on me, Body. Here’s to many amazing years to come.
Love, Erin
